Dear Diary

I realized that in the past couple of weeks I’ve been in this pseudo-melancholic slump. Much of it has been propelled by a horrific (that is, in my opinion, although I am sure it went better than I think) out-of-nowhere over-the-phone job interview, a traumatic (although in general lovely, but for me, a traumatic) baby shower, and too much free time on my hands. Ongoing obsessions with Bonnie Prince Billy, Cat Power and Johnny Cash (of the American edition) haven’t helped much. Add on the weirdly warm then freezing cold yet still gloomy weather and a killer headache which made me miss a Jack Rose show and that’s the formula for melancholy.

But then talking to my mother over the weekend, it hit me. It’s not really the baby shower, the job interview, too much free time, killer headaches or wacky weather. It’s the fact that every aspect of my life, from personal to professional (or unprofessional, really), is completely on hold for the next few months. And that’s what’s creating this brain fuck.

Typically, I am the kind of person who can make a decision quickly and I rarely think back and regret my decisions. There may be a moment when I think that my choice is not necessarily the wisest but I accept it and move on or deal with it. I don’t sit around, wallowing in indecisiveness, waiting for things to fall in their place. Not that I go out of my way to control the outcome of things but still, when presented with choice A or B, I can make up my mind fairly (or comparatively) quickly.

So essentially, today and for the next few months, I am that person who will be sitting around, twirling my proverbial thumbs, waiting in complete and utter uncertainty. Don’t get me wrong, I am fairly active, running around town looking for pocket organizers and trying to finish writing research report among other things. But this uncertainty and inability to do anything to resolve any aspect of the ambiguity is killing me. I guess there is some level of anxiety and hope that things will fall in the right (or desired) places but it all comes down to having to sit and wait around. I can’t make any decisions as there are no decisions to make nor can I speed up anything or anyone. I have no idea how people deal with this; I suppose that’s why self-medication (yes, of that kind) is so popular.

Well, back to wallowing in my melancholy.