Land O Lakes, Part II

Boy: "I am an accomplished filmmaker."
Girl (rolls her eyes): "Um, so, I want a Brooklyn Lager. Thanks!"

Is Ronaldo too fat?

I am not going to write much about the FIFA games because I really don’t know much about football. Or soccer, if you, the reader, are an American. But since I am Latvian, by default, I will refer to it as football.

But the thing that I can write about is that football players make the best looking athletes. My argument is rooted in the fact that football players have the most proportional bodies. And considering that they have to run up and down the field for 90 plus minutes, I can only imagine rock-hard bodies under those shirts. A case in point:





Think about it, basketball players are long-armed, long-legged tall freaks. I am 5’5” on my tallest day; anyone above 6’1” is really, really tall to me. And apparently, an average basketball player in the NBA is 6’6” – that’s super duper tall to me!

Baseball players. For whatever reason, perhaps this is due to the tight uniforms, they all have huge asses. Being an ass person myself, I can’t complain too much, but the thing is, I have the typical incurved white-girl butt. So standing next to a gigantic ass would be really intimidating. The only exception to this argument is Randy Johnson of the New York Yankees. But he’s tall so he automatically falls into the tall freak category.

American football players fall into the same category as hockey players. They are all huge. And some are even tall. And hockey players are always missing teeth or have messed up looking noses.

Cyclists - they shave their legs. Swimmers take it further, they shave every body part that has exposed hair. And I like hair. Beards especially.

Speed skaters? Have you seen their enormous thighs? Figure skaters? Well, they wouldn’t like me anyways.

I can go on and on and on. But you see my point. Football players are in shape but none of their muscles are freaky looking. Some are tall but they don’t have to be freaky tall. They don’t have missing teeth or busted noses. And if you’re David Beckham, well then you’re extra super dreamy to millions of girls.

Ha!

So I've been working on this new-ish project where I take pictures of men sitting on subways with their legs spread wide apart. Unfortunately, since I am unemployed, I have the world's crappiest cellphone plan which does not allow me to send pictures from my phone to a computer/internet. So that project has been on hold until future notice.

But I was excited to learn that the New York Magazine came up with the Urban Etiquette Handbook which briefly talks about men spreading their legs while sitting in the subway car. Here is a glimpse:


Rules of the underground: (1) Knees may be no more than six inches apart. (2) If you can't control your offspring, watch as a stranger does it for you. (3) What did we say about checking out the girls? (4) The Post is only 25 cents—buy your own. (5) Holding the subway door makes everyone on the train love you. (6) As does loud music. (7) Lie down on subway only if dead.

Hope Land O Lakes doesn't sue me

I am always surprised at the level of buttering up that oh-so many guys go through in order to get into a girl’s pants. Not only does the buttering up sound insincere but it’s also the same technique used over and over by every other guy out there. And more pathetically, these techniques seem to cross every social group – from the typical blond and wholesome frat boy from Ohio to the skinny Williamsburg hipster in his skinny jeans and designer t-shirt.

Maybe I am wrong, maybe all that buttering up works on a 22 year old girl fresh out of left-wing liberal arts college somewhere in the woods of New York State.

At age 28 and having survived many harrowing years of being buttered up by men of local and international representation, it just doesn’t work any more.

Perhaps there needs to be some sort of an intervention (ah, social work…) informing desperate men that they are in great need to change their lines. Perhaps there needs to be a brainstorming session with an easel and a dry-board marker. Perhaps there can be a top secret focus group to test the lines.

Or how about this:

Boy: “Hey, want go home with me and have sex?”
Girl: “No.”

Chances are we’ve decided long ago whether we want to sleep with you.

Just a little steam

This entire job search situation is driving me completely bonkers. Not due to the fact that I cannot find anything half-way decent, but due to the fact that people who are recruiting potential employees are unbelievably stupid. I don't know, maybe I should look into Human Resources positions, seems like any old moron can work there.

More later, I just needed to let off some steam. It's finally sunny outside so I am going to take a walk to get away from the computer.

Well, I couldn't resist

Slight break

I haven’t written in a while for several reasons. I was away for a week which was really nice. Any chance to get away from New York City is always a plus. Especially since it has been hot and humid around here.

I am also in the full swing of looking for some sort of employment. I am still on that high-ground where I am being selective and holding out for a great job. I really don’t want a crummy 9-5 behind-the-desk job. Well, I suppose the doom day will come and I will have that crummy 9-5 job. Although nowadays I think it’s going to be more like 9-6 plus financially uncompensated extra hours during rush projects. You know - those projects where your boss gets to leave at 5pm and you’re stuck sitting in the office in agony until 8pm only to return at 9am the following morning.

As a side note, I used to have a manager who not only left at 5pm on the dot no matter what the situation, but also spent most of her days researching nurseries for her soon-to-be-born baby and printing letters of invitation for her baby shower. I even had to order mailing labels through the company’s vendor for her baby shower invitations. Looking back, I am actually surprised she didn’t have me print those things out.

Anyways, so I really don’t want a job this summer in general. It would be great to bum around, visit friends who don’t live in New York, take some time off in general. Plus I am still planning to write another editorial and I want to finish writing my research report so that I can finally send it out for publication. At the same time, after hearing of stories from friends who have spent months and months looking for jobs, I am beginning to wonder if I should find some sort of easy no-brainer part-time job. Work in a bookstore or an easy-going café. Plus it would be nice to get out of the house once in a while.

So the next few posts will be about stupid job searches. In fact, one of these days, I am going to start posting the number of resumes sent vs call-backs.

In the meantime, I need to take a shower.